Ace of Spades

Another Wednesday night in Riverside, California. Another night I'm spending alone. Well, that's not completely accurate - there's a daredevil Manx purring across the sofa from me and a 18 of my best friends staying cool in the fridge. Make that 17.

I barely drank at all when I first moved here. I was too anxious, getting my classes and life in line, studying for a big exam. When I finished with the exam, passing all three tests in under three hours and passing with flying colors, I made a few trips out to the local bars trying to discern some sort of scene around here. There isn't one. Downtown Riverside is barren. Riverside is barren. I kept my drinking to myself. It's cheaper, and the company is infinitely better.

Something happened. I kicked my drinking up to full-bore. Rum shots with beer chasers and no dreams, no nightmares. Something happened. I backed down. Red wine and chicken stir-fry for dinner. Healthy heart, that was me. Something happened, nothing happened. The mind is a powerful, deranged thing.

Why drink? Why drink at all? Why drink alone? It lets you sit at a bar and tune out the inane conversations around you. It turns you into a sieve, stupid recycled radio sluices through you and doesn't stick at all, but gems like "Have you seen that new show, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? That show confuses me!" are caught and filed under Reasons to Keep Drinking.

It stops the questions. Questions like, Was that the last one-way flight she'll ever buy? Will my friends remember me? Will I remember them? The doubts you had about moving out here, that grow every time you go out and visit the wasteland, fade away. Never mind that you moved from one suburban hell to another. Never mind that there's no one here on your side. Drink puts you on the launch pad. You're stronger than this, you're the freaky radio here, you're the beacon.

Bang. Are you going to do it? That's another question. All the questions have answers, but can you face them? Will you find them is a better question. You won't tonight, tonight you've turned off the thinking part of your brain so you can get some sleep. This tide of mediocrity is overwhelming, so much more so than ever, and all you can do to stop from screaming is let your voice echo in another bottle or can or bathroom mirror.

Applications in the mail, loans on the table, bureaucracy in front, the past behind, reaching for the future. In the meantime? Feelin' great. Lay back and relax your mind - I'm about to double the dosage in the half the time!