News Day

KRISTEN: OK Umberto, how does the shot frame up? Do you have the broken windows in the background?

UMBERTO: Yeah, I got it. You're fine. We're going live in thirty.

KRISTEN: You know this is going to be great for me, nothing like this happens anymore. I guess there were those riots in L.A. over the whole O.J. thing. God! That lucky bitch Crystal Espinoza got such great exposure! I would've killed to be there for that! What a great opportunity that must've been... Do you think this'll get national play?

UMBERTO: Five seconds.

KRISTEN: Good afternoon Keith, I'm standing in front of what remains of the student commons here on the University of California, Riverside. As you can see, the entire front has been broken through, tables overturned, the Dance Dance Revolution game totally shattered, and the Starbucks inside looks like a war zone. What could have caused this destruction? According to eyewitness reports, a single crazed assailant went on a rampage here, causing all the property damage you see behind me. I have with me a young man who says he was here during the carnage. What's your name?

JESUS: Jesus Ramirez.

KRISTEN: So Jesus, what can you tell us about what happened? Did you see the person who did this?

JESUS: Um, yeah, well first my name is Hay-seus, not Jesus. Although that would be pretty cool, I guess. Uhh... yeah I saw the guy who did it. He was this white dude, he was like a little bit taller than me and stuff.

KRISTEN: Do you have any idea what started him on his rampage?

JESUS: Yeah he was yelling a lot, waving his hands around like, and pointing at people and shouting. Then he started breaking all the windows and throwing coffee at people.

KRISTEN: What was he yelling?

JESUS: I don't know.

KRISTEN: There was a man breaking windows, throwing things at people, shouting the whole time, and you didn't hear what he said?

JESUS: Well I had my iPod in one ear, and I was on the phone with my boy too. Hey Hector what's up man!

KRISTEN: Actually, I see you still have your iPod in your ear. OK, thank you Jesus... Yes Keith, there have been reports of injuries, nothing serious I understand... Well we don't have a confirmed number yet, but there are about a dozen students in the area with visible bandages. Two ambulances were called but no one has been taken to the hospital. OK, I have here another student who was at the commons when the destruction began. What's your name sir?

JESUS: Jesus Hernandez.

KRISTEN: And Jesus, can you give us an idea-

JESUS: It's Jesus, like the guy.

KRISTEN: Of course. Jesus, can you give us an idea of what caused the assailant to behave like he did?

JESUS: Well I don't know, I mean he was all like yelling at me and my buddy and this girl we were with, and then he threw my phone at me, and took my friend's Helio and stepped on it. That's not cool, cause those are pretty new and expensive, so I started to say something but he punched me right here in the chest and I fell over, and that's when I got out of the way. That dude was crazy.

KRISTEN: Apparently he was yelling a lot, can you remember any of what was said?

JESUS: Yeah, he was like "Shut the hell up! Just shut up! I've been listening to you for ten minutes and I couldn't finish my food!" And then some other stuff about, like wasting good oxygen, and something like being a total tool, and then he called us all idiots. I told him "Hey man what's your problem?" and he said "How did you even get into this university? Your life is a total waste!" and that's when my buddy tried to take his picture with his Helio because he was going to send it to his myspace and that's when he started going crazy. And he said my shirt was for a poodle drag show. Uh, excuse me, but Armani does not make pre-torn hot pink shirts with bleach spots for dogs.

KRISTEN: OK, thank you Jesus. I hope that you and your friends recover and return to school soon. I understand that the Dean is letting everyone take up to a week off to recover?

JESUS: Yeah I guess, I don't know who Dean is but that sounds cool to me, I've got a poster about rabbits that's due tomorrow.

KRISTEN: When we return from the break I'll be talking with an off-duty police officer who was inside the student commons building when the assailant charged in. Back to you Keith.

UMBERTO: ...And we're off. Three minutes.

KRISTEN: God that Keith is an ass. Hey wow, two guys with the same name? What are the odds?

UMBERTO: They didn't have the same name. Jesus was my cousin actually, like on my aunt's daughter's side or something.

KRISTEN: Which one? Wait, never mind, I don't care. Oh look, the policewoman has a head bandage! This is going to be so great!

[KRISTEN walks off camera. UMBERTO sets the camera on the ground and sits beside it. Quiet snoring is heard after a minute]

KRISTEN: Umberto get up! I think we're on soon.

UMBERTO: Huh? Uh, yeah, hang on. Twenty seconds. Get the lady here.

KRISTEN: Hello and welcome back, Keith. We're going to speak with policewoman Cho, who was in the Starbucks inside the student commons when the assailant broke in and started wrecking everything. Can you describe what you saw?

CHO: The man was about five-foot-ten, a white male, with a bad haircut. His clothes were really bad too, just a plain t-shirt and some jeans. I couldn't see a brand name anywhere. And his shoes were pretty dirty.

KRISTEN: I see you've been injured. How did this come about?

CHO: Well he kicked through the glass doors, walked past the barrier Starbucks had set up, totally cutting in line, and started screaming about wanting a "frozen mocha whipped frappachino with vente espressos". Which is ridiculous, that's not even a drink! So then the other barista puts up someone's order on the bar, it's like a caramel apple spice drink, and then guy who ordered it said he wanted extra whipped cream on his, and that's when the assailant picked up the drink and smashed it right in the guy's face! He then started throwing the jars of mocha flakes at everyone, yelling at us to leave room for sugar and cream. I got clocked with bottle of coconut syrup.

KRISTEN: What a harrowing experience, Officer Cho. I'm sure you'll be eager to catch the villain.

CHO: Yeah but first I want to get my seasonal St. Patrick's Day Irish Creame Vanilla Coffee. Do you know where another Starbucks is?

KRISTEN: Well no I-- I've just been informed by Keith in the studio that a new Starbucks has been built across the street. He says they just opened thirty minutes ago, in response to this one being destroyed two hours ago. Well thank you Officer Cho, we here at the Channel 6 Action Fire Sun Bomb News Team wish you a speedy recovery.

CHO: Thanks guys! I love you Keith Algonquin!

KRISTEN: So there you have it. A man, frustrated by the state of popular culture, driven to destruction. Kristen Dawes, reporting from the University of California, Riverside. Back to you, Keith.

UMBERTO: And we're off.

KRISTEN: How was that? I bet I'm on Fox News or CNN by tonight!

UMBERTO: You suck.