Rules of the Road

1. Thou shalt not tailgate while driving 80 mph

This bugs the shit out of me. You're driving a 1500-pound block of steel filled with explosive liquid, and some people feel that they have superhuman reaction times and are able to stop on a dime. This occurs at least five times on the way to and from work. I know this is southern California and everything is at least 20 miles away, but holy crap, what the hell is wrong with you? The "thing" out here is to drive a jacked up, gigantic truck (despite nonexistent gas mileage and the highest prices in the contiguous United States) and on top of that you're going to run others off the road? And how is tailgating going to get you to your destination any faster? Just relax, keep at least a car length off my ass.

2. Thou shalt pay attention to the traffic light.

Huge truck + cell phone + cd player + dvd player = total lack of awareness. In this same vein, please try and understand how traffic signals work. If the cross street is turning right/left on a green arrow, and you're waiting to turn right at a red light, then for fuck's sake get on with it. Obviously the turning traffic is "blocking" the straight-ahead traffic, so you're in the clear to turn.

3. Thou shalt be aware of others.

If you're driving 60 mph on the freeway side-by-side with another slow car, you're blocking any and all traffic from bypassing you. Not everyone wishes to take in the lovely desert scenery. Try and understand that, no, you are not the only person with a car and in fact the world does not revolve around you, although many people are fat enough for it to. Same applies to sitting in the left lane and going slow. The signs/driving manual/driving test/law states SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT. This means you, minivans.

4. Red doth mean red.

This hasn't changed since 1917 and the installation of the first traffic light. A red light does not mean "one or two more cars may pass; three if you're in a hurry." That's what yellow lights are for. Red = stop. Not stopping at red = death by own arrogance.

5. When thou mergest on thy mighty interstate, geteth on with it in a timely fashion!

This is what totaled my car. When you're merging, then FUCKING MERGE! You do NOT slow down to get onto an interstate! You do NOT wait until the last possible second to do so! You do NOT try and get in front of as many cars as possible by riding the merging lane into oblivion and merging from the shoulder! I see this last one occur daily.

5a. One when lane hath been shut, enter the open lane ere the first doth end.

This ties into the last rule - when signs are posted MILES in advance, with flashing lights, flares, cones, and a guy waving a big flag at you, go ahead and get the fuck over! By waiting until the last possible second to move into the open lane, you are creating a bottleneck that has a much larger effect on traffic flow then you may think. Think about it like this: what moves quicker, sand pouring through a single spout (like an hourglass) or sand pouring through a dozen spouts (like a sifter used for panning riverbeds)? It's just common sense! The best example of this is in Georgia, where 316 West merges with I-85. The two-lane road becomes one, with signs posted literally two miles before the merge. Yet nobody feels the need to get into the continuing lane until the last possible second, backing up traffic for 45 minutes. I'll even coast down the continuing lane leaving four or five car lengths of open space in front of me, yet not a single person will move over. Traffic in this case is caused by the bottleneck; wouldn't you rather be speeding along with no delay? Then no bottleneck!

6. Witnessing other's misfortunes is not tolerated on the road.

Rubbernecking: retarded. Someone changing their tire on the side of the road does not merit slowing to 10 mph and staring like you've just seen the holy grail. Even worse, an accident (that has been cleared from the road): would you want someone staring at your wrecked car, bloody nose, and/or dead friend? Yeah, me either you voyeurs, so put your blinders on and get a move on!