The weak are not remembered. The faint of heart, the uncommitted are left behind in the annals of history. Persons can embody truth, but it is difficult; much more common are those flimsy paper cut-outs of people, flitting through the world as the wind directs, never carrying enough weight to choose their own direction.
So that's why I'm sitting on the couch at 7:02 a.m., drinking a Dos XX, watching the College Gameday introduction. Big 'n Rich 'n the black guy in a county band telling me that they're coming to my cit-tay. I know this isn't true - maybe if I was somewhere on the east coast, back in Atlanta or Athens, I could believe they're fiddle-backed rap. But here, on the west coast, the sun hasn't risen yet. There is no dawn mist to disperse. When the sun does rise, it'll be hotter than a camel's ass, even though it is the end of October. This is not a place where college is known. Education is not embraced. Shit, high school is not embraced. So expecting to find college football fans is ludicrious.
That's why I'm sitting on my couch at 7:23 a.m. with half a beer next to me. Because there's nowhere else to go for a college football fan. Nowhere is open, and when they do, they will be showing UCLA vs. Cal, and Michigan State vs. Michigan. I cannot think of two stupider games to watch in the history of competition. Because you know what else is showing at the same time? #6 OSU vs. #1 Texas. But not here. For some reason. God I hate California.
And that's why I'm sitting on my couch at 7:30 a.m. with the last dregs of a beer. I'm fighting against the winds out here, trying to hold on to the things that I love, even if they are as silly as college football. So as the sun finally crests the stupid desert mountains, as Leslee tells me that the Bender Ball is FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHT PERCENT MORE EFFECTIVE THAN A SIT-UP, as I finish my first beer of the morning, I just have to sit up and smile and keep my hopes up... because later Gameday is doing a special on why Georgia will upset LSU.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Mystery Box of Beer
Went to BevMo today. Looking for Sam Adams variety pack that didn't contain The Scotch Ale, a.k.a. The Worst Liquid Ever. No good. Wandering, wandering... what's this? Mystery Box of Beer? 24 miscellaneous bottles from separated six packs? Only $16? Into the fridge with you!
So how are we to spend the night? Randomly pulling beers out and writing one-sentence reviews of them? Damn right.
Spatan - Brown, 7.9% alcohol, German... what's not to love? It's got a sweet taste with a sort of almond thing going on. It's a little syrupy and you are definitely aware of the extra alcohol.
Buffalo Bill's America's Original Pumpkin Ale - It's like drinking a clove cigarette. It's not really pumpkiny. Tiff says: I taste cinnamon. And it tastes like pumpkin. It tastes like Halloween, when it's cold outside. It smells the way Fat Man's Forest (costume shop in Augusta) smells.
Corona Light (two in a row!) - Mexican drain clog remover. Tiff says: It's like drinking weed after that last beer. There shouldn't have been two in that box. I don't think it is cursed... yet.
Another Spatan... Methinks the mystery beer box only provides a minimum of variety. Alas! At least we obtained 24 beers for the cheap. And they are not all Corona, thank the gods!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Greatest Drinking Game Ever
This game, to my knowledge, has never been attempted. It exists as a legend, a seemingly unimaginable gauntlet of poisons. It's rules are whispered among frat boys and popped collar college kids alike. Those posturing as brave even begin to talk of assembling the necessary components. But that's all it is... talk. Deep into the night, three-quarters of a keg gone, men circle around and compare potential strategies for conquering the game. I bring it to you now, in the glaring bright of day, in the hopes that some foolhardy group will finally attempt this undertaking.
It is named... ARMAGEDDON.
This game requires preparation. It requires time - a lot of it, and possibly the last hours you'll spend on this earth. It requires two teams of five. The objective: to consume the following substances before the other team. It's like a keg race from hell. The substances, per team:
1 case of beer (24)
1 bottle of liquor (whiskey, 750 mL)
1 box of wine
1/4 oz. of marijuana (potency negotiable)
1 pack of cigarettes (20)
There you have it. The Top 5 substances abused by college students and the wider public today. The by-laws of the game are debatable but should be agreed upon - in writing - before the teams begin competition. Some sort of prize should be established for the winning team, unless the challenge is just to see who has the most hair on their chest.
The brand of beer, the type of liquor and wine, the strength of the weed, and the type/brand of cigarettes are all part of the strategy. Even more involved is, who do you put on your team? Know any smokers? Do you know a guy who can kill a bottle of tequila? Then by lobbying for the liquor to be tequila, you punish the other team while taking a strategic advantage with your Mexican ace in the hole. How do you attack these substances? Do you assign one person per, or split it up? In what order? The permutations are endless!
Armageddon is not to be taken lightly. It takes a lot of preparation and a strong commitment from ten hardy competitors. Knowing no one who has attempted this game, but I would anticipate it takes hours to complete and days to recover. So the next time someone challenges your manliness, throw down this gauntlet. It's the BadAss Games! The winners will enter into legend... the survivors will be GODS!
I'm watching the third debate right now - John McCain is a cock.
It is named... ARMAGEDDON.
This game requires preparation. It requires time - a lot of it, and possibly the last hours you'll spend on this earth. It requires two teams of five. The objective: to consume the following substances before the other team. It's like a keg race from hell. The substances, per team:
1 case of beer (24)
1 bottle of liquor (whiskey, 750 mL)
1 box of wine
1/4 oz. of marijuana (potency negotiable)
1 pack of cigarettes (20)
There you have it. The Top 5 substances abused by college students and the wider public today. The by-laws of the game are debatable but should be agreed upon - in writing - before the teams begin competition. Some sort of prize should be established for the winning team, unless the challenge is just to see who has the most hair on their chest.
The brand of beer, the type of liquor and wine, the strength of the weed, and the type/brand of cigarettes are all part of the strategy. Even more involved is, who do you put on your team? Know any smokers? Do you know a guy who can kill a bottle of tequila? Then by lobbying for the liquor to be tequila, you punish the other team while taking a strategic advantage with your Mexican ace in the hole. How do you attack these substances? Do you assign one person per, or split it up? In what order? The permutations are endless!
Armageddon is not to be taken lightly. It takes a lot of preparation and a strong commitment from ten hardy competitors. Knowing no one who has attempted this game, but I would anticipate it takes hours to complete and days to recover. So the next time someone challenges your manliness, throw down this gauntlet. It's the BadAss Games! The winners will enter into legend... the survivors will be GODS!
I'm watching the third debate right now - John McCain is a cock.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Pre-Season #1!
OK, yesterday I was getting pretty rough on the Dawgs. I said some things I didn't really mean. The fact is, we dominated Tennessee, holding them on ONE rushing yard, gaining 29 first downs, and holding the ball for 42 minutes. The final score however was only 26-14. How is it possible that you gain more first downs than points?
The fact of the matter is, we haven't been as dominant on the field as the statistics may seem. We kicked FOUR field goals yesterday! How can we not get into the end zone, especially when playing at home? The announcers repeatedly pointed out that Tennessee has a very good defense, 2nd in the SEC or something, and Knowshon was the first running back to gain 100+ yards on that defense this season. But this situation is reminiscent of the game against Arizona State, in which we dominated them similarily (held ASU to 4 yards on the ground), but could only muster 27 points. We ran the ball SEVEN times from less than 5 yards out in that ASU game, and settled for a field goal and a turnover on downs. Miserable!
Pair that red zone performance with Stafford's two interceptions - both inside the opponent's 20 - and you have a team that is not as dominant as once thought. To be fair, I think all of this stems from our lack of an offensive line. Too many injuries have reduced our O-line to freshmen and sophomores, and our coaches lack of confidence is evidenced by the fact that 80% of Knowshon's touches came on swings to the outside. The only time we ran up the middle was with our fullback!
But overall, it is important to remember that we are getting the job done, even if it is not as pretty as expected. It is frustrating to see Knowshon unable to get into the secondary, where he makes all those ankle-shattering plays. It is frustrating to see our team falter in the end zone, when strong line play is key to scoring points. But as long as we're getting the W, I guess I can't complain. Go Dawgs!
The fact of the matter is, we haven't been as dominant on the field as the statistics may seem. We kicked FOUR field goals yesterday! How can we not get into the end zone, especially when playing at home? The announcers repeatedly pointed out that Tennessee has a very good defense, 2nd in the SEC or something, and Knowshon was the first running back to gain 100+ yards on that defense this season. But this situation is reminiscent of the game against Arizona State, in which we dominated them similarily (held ASU to 4 yards on the ground), but could only muster 27 points. We ran the ball SEVEN times from less than 5 yards out in that ASU game, and settled for a field goal and a turnover on downs. Miserable!
Pair that red zone performance with Stafford's two interceptions - both inside the opponent's 20 - and you have a team that is not as dominant as once thought. To be fair, I think all of this stems from our lack of an offensive line. Too many injuries have reduced our O-line to freshmen and sophomores, and our coaches lack of confidence is evidenced by the fact that 80% of Knowshon's touches came on swings to the outside. The only time we ran up the middle was with our fullback!
But overall, it is important to remember that we are getting the job done, even if it is not as pretty as expected. It is frustrating to see Knowshon unable to get into the secondary, where he makes all those ankle-shattering plays. It is frustrating to see our team falter in the end zone, when strong line play is key to scoring points. But as long as we're getting the W, I guess I can't complain. Go Dawgs!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Mega Drunk
So we went to a sports bar to watch the Georgia-Alabama game. We were happy. We drank beers. We ordered food. We talked with the rare football fan in the place. We had to ask three times to get the bar to switch the audio from Fall Out Boy to the game. Then the game started.
Brutal. Embarrassing. We could not out-drink that game. No matter how many beers I had, Georgia kept making it worse. My mom had a good point: How could the coaches let out team down so badly? How could our coaches leave our team so unprepared? It seemed like we were relying on the black-out gimmick and some imaginary home-field advantage, instead of game planning and execution. Two huge penalties against us during Alabama's first drive and it was over. Yeah, we out-scored them 30-10 in the 2nd half, but the game was over at halftime.
We fled the bar and suffered at home. The drinking contest between me and our team continued. Closing within two touchdowns only made the eventual loss even crueler. Everything after the third quarter is sort of blurry. Well, "sort of" is a bit of an understatement. The next morning I could only turn to my cell phone to figure out what had happened. My text messages had been cleared out because there were so many of them, but one gem remained, sent to D Rob. I'm paraphrasing here because I lost the original, but it went something like this:
"Will you know what is unknowable? It is a mystery. Please tell me because I'm running out me beer"
I also had an interesting conversation with Alex in which I called him a lesbian and described Nick Saban as "so in control and he can tell you when we will take a shit to the minute... 48 hours in advance".
Anyway, at least CBS is showing the Georgia-Tennessee game today. CBS does have some love for UGA, I'll give them that. Verne "The Human Potato" Lundquist calls all the Georgia games for CBS, and boy does he like us: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qLkHr61Z2M
Brutal. Embarrassing. We could not out-drink that game. No matter how many beers I had, Georgia kept making it worse. My mom had a good point: How could the coaches let out team down so badly? How could our coaches leave our team so unprepared? It seemed like we were relying on the black-out gimmick and some imaginary home-field advantage, instead of game planning and execution. Two huge penalties against us during Alabama's first drive and it was over. Yeah, we out-scored them 30-10 in the 2nd half, but the game was over at halftime.
We fled the bar and suffered at home. The drinking contest between me and our team continued. Closing within two touchdowns only made the eventual loss even crueler. Everything after the third quarter is sort of blurry. Well, "sort of" is a bit of an understatement. The next morning I could only turn to my cell phone to figure out what had happened. My text messages had been cleared out because there were so many of them, but one gem remained, sent to D Rob. I'm paraphrasing here because I lost the original, but it went something like this:
"Will you know what is unknowable? It is a mystery. Please tell me because I'm running out me beer"
I also had an interesting conversation with Alex in which I called him a lesbian and described Nick Saban as "so in control and he can tell you when we will take a shit to the minute... 48 hours in advance".
Anyway, at least CBS is showing the Georgia-Tennessee game today. CBS does have some love for UGA, I'll give them that. Verne "The Human Potato" Lundquist calls all the Georgia games for CBS, and boy does he like us: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qLkHr61Z2M
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Watching Game Day in Athens (from California)
The fans are LOUD! They're set up in front of Myers Hall and you can barely see the dorm behind the Game Day crew because there must be 75 signs held up. Some great examples:
Terrence Cody Ate My Family
Georgia's Gas Shortage is Actually Bama's Fault
Superman Wears Knowshon Pajamas
Helen Keller's Favorite Color is Knowshon
The Game Day crew is loving the crowd here, as Kirk agrees about the fans' "O-ver-ra-ted" chant regarding USC's puss-out against Oregon State. Kirk and Corso both agreed that UGA should be #1 if they win tonight, saying "It will be a beautiful thing! Georgia Number One!", and the crowd goes wild.
Man, I'm talking about these guys like a damn reality show. Except this one is based on college football, not who can jump on Flava Flav's limp dick the fastest or sing the crappiest version of "Unbreak My Heart".
Two Kingsford charcoal commercials featuring Georgia! Why am I excited? Much love for Rennie Curran - "short but wide, like Uga himself". Hmm... nice braces. Ooh, Curran Sr. offered his entire paycheck to God, and the next week his son gets the Georgia scholarship. Think the fact that God has Mark Richt on speed dial had anything to with that?
I really like the "S-E-C-" chant that has become popular the past few years. It just speaks again to the community and friendliness of the South. You know, all those eXtreme sports that emphasize individual action - motorcross, skateboarding, all that crap - began out here on the West Coast, where everyone is a self-centered douchebag.
3 of the 4 commentators picked Georgia as the best team in the SEC... and then Kirk chose Florida, and the crowd almost charged over barrier. Chris Fowler ducked below the desk and Corso moved to the other side of the desk to distance themselves from Kirk. Dangerous move, Kirk, dangerous move...
Chase Daniel's face looks like a butt. Like in that South Park episode. It's like he's had breast implants in his chin.
A 300-pound athlete frightens me. I couldn't imagine what would happen if a gigantic human like that would do to me. Each player on Alabama's O-line is over 300 pounds. How do you control 1500 pounds? Saban can game plan like no other, I just hope our defense can still stand up after this game. How do you prepare for that? Do you get your scout team to tie sandbags to their backs? And Cody is 6'5", THREE-HUNDRED-SIXTY-FIVE POUNDS, going against our true freshman center. Not good.
Also, I love me some Logan Gray. That guy does whatever the coaches say. "Gray! Go return punts!" "But I'm a quarterback!" "Whatever! Go out there and block Cody!" And hey, someone has a Ely-Kelso jersey out!
America's Vote is 52% for Bama... Uga on the set!!! Kirk picks UGA and is loving on Uga. Corso says he loves Georgia, would live in Athens... and picks Bama!! YES!! A guarentee of a Georgia win from Corso! KNOWSHON, NO PROBLEM!
Terrence Cody Ate My Family
Georgia's Gas Shortage is Actually Bama's Fault
Superman Wears Knowshon Pajamas
Helen Keller's Favorite Color is Knowshon
The Game Day crew is loving the crowd here, as Kirk agrees about the fans' "O-ver-ra-ted" chant regarding USC's puss-out against Oregon State. Kirk and Corso both agreed that UGA should be #1 if they win tonight, saying "It will be a beautiful thing! Georgia Number One!", and the crowd goes wild.
Man, I'm talking about these guys like a damn reality show. Except this one is based on college football, not who can jump on Flava Flav's limp dick the fastest or sing the crappiest version of "Unbreak My Heart".
Two Kingsford charcoal commercials featuring Georgia! Why am I excited? Much love for Rennie Curran - "short but wide, like Uga himself". Hmm... nice braces. Ooh, Curran Sr. offered his entire paycheck to God, and the next week his son gets the Georgia scholarship. Think the fact that God has Mark Richt on speed dial had anything to with that?
I really like the "S-E-C-" chant that has become popular the past few years. It just speaks again to the community and friendliness of the South. You know, all those eXtreme sports that emphasize individual action - motorcross, skateboarding, all that crap - began out here on the West Coast, where everyone is a self-centered douchebag.
3 of the 4 commentators picked Georgia as the best team in the SEC... and then Kirk chose Florida, and the crowd almost charged over barrier. Chris Fowler ducked below the desk and Corso moved to the other side of the desk to distance themselves from Kirk. Dangerous move, Kirk, dangerous move...
Chase Daniel's face looks like a butt. Like in that South Park episode. It's like he's had breast implants in his chin.
A 300-pound athlete frightens me. I couldn't imagine what would happen if a gigantic human like that would do to me. Each player on Alabama's O-line is over 300 pounds. How do you control 1500 pounds? Saban can game plan like no other, I just hope our defense can still stand up after this game. How do you prepare for that? Do you get your scout team to tie sandbags to their backs? And Cody is 6'5", THREE-HUNDRED-SIXTY-FIVE POUNDS, going against our true freshman center. Not good.
Also, I love me some Logan Gray. That guy does whatever the coaches say. "Gray! Go return punts!" "But I'm a quarterback!" "Whatever! Go out there and block Cody!" And hey, someone has a Ely-Kelso jersey out!
America's Vote is 52% for Bama... Uga on the set!!! Kirk picks UGA and is loving on Uga. Corso says he loves Georgia, would live in Athens... and picks Bama!! YES!! A guarentee of a Georgia win from Corso! KNOWSHON, NO PROBLEM!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Fond Reminiscences of the UGA - ASU game
The halfway-drunk older guy who spoke to us after the game while chomping a cigar, asking us why we Georgia fans were not running around screaming and looting. My first response was that "We're not jerks", like ASU fans are. He agreed. Then I said, "We should have won bigger. We weren't too impressive." To this he spouted off about being a scholar of college football, and that he wasn't religious but college football was as close to a religion as he would get, and concluded by saying that such a wise statement made his evening, before meandering off again with his cigar. What was that all about?
"Fork 'em Sparky!" while giving people the shocker.
Getting called faggots, assholes, and being told Georgia sucks before the game.
Getting called faggots, assholes, and being told Georgia sucks after the game.
Being told the night before the game that ASU was a famous party school, that they were always in the top 5 party schools in the nation, and that they wore t-shirts that read "We pre-game harder than you party!". By a Waffle House waitress.
Oh god the Waffle House!! Double order hashbrowns, smothered, covered, chunked. Bacon egg and cheese sandwich. They have them in Phoenix, but not L.A.
Walking into a Ruby Tuesday's about four blocks from the stadium around 11:30am on game day and being pleasently surprised that the place was packed with red-and-black-clad Georgia fans.
Asking the first ASU fans that walked in at 2:30pm what the hell their problem, was getting here so late.
Finding our amazing seats one section away from the UGA band, corner end zone, lower level, 20 rows from the sideline. And finding it half-full of Georgia fans.
Screaming "First Down, Georgia!!!" 14 times right into the faces of the middle-aged ASU semifans in the row in front of us during the 2nd quarter, when we scored 21 points.
Igonring the old people behind us telling us to sit down.
Watching the ASU fans empty the stadium... AT HALFTIME. So incredibly lame. Lame! Who does that? Who leaves the fucking HOME GAME STADIUM at halftime?!? Why even bother showing up? That is some weak-ass Pac-10 sauce.
Running along the chain-link fence around the field during half-time to see Uga VII up close and snap a few pictures.
Listening to some 5'2" ASU fan talk trash to us after the game.
Meeting a Georgia fan and his wife at a bar, and talking to them for half an hour about everything from football to how much California and Arizona suck balls. Then ten minutes after they leave, meeting two more Georgia fans, same conversation, and then we realize that they've been looking for their friend all night and Tiffany and I were just talking to him.
The racist, ever-drinking, possibly meth-using, possibly-homosexual redneck poser that was staying a few doors down from us at the America's Best Inn.
Getting drunk-ass phone calls and texts from Alex at 7 am.
Doing the "What's that coming down the tracks?!?" cheer with a bunch of drunk Georgia fans from a second-story balconey above the downtown Tempe bar scene.
Lots more... we took a ton of pictures of just about anything. The desert heat is fucking brutal! We drank 55 ounces of water during the game - never had to use the restroom. You could barely get drunk, the alcohol would evaporate out of your stomach! God it felt great just to talk to some real people. And whoop on the pathetic Pac-0, as they are now known. Too jealous of those going to the black out tomorrow. Go Dawgs!
"Fork 'em Sparky!" while giving people the shocker.
Getting called faggots, assholes, and being told Georgia sucks before the game.
Getting called faggots, assholes, and being told Georgia sucks after the game.
Being told the night before the game that ASU was a famous party school, that they were always in the top 5 party schools in the nation, and that they wore t-shirts that read "We pre-game harder than you party!". By a Waffle House waitress.
Oh god the Waffle House!! Double order hashbrowns, smothered, covered, chunked. Bacon egg and cheese sandwich. They have them in Phoenix, but not L.A.
Walking into a Ruby Tuesday's about four blocks from the stadium around 11:30am on game day and being pleasently surprised that the place was packed with red-and-black-clad Georgia fans.
Asking the first ASU fans that walked in at 2:30pm what the hell their problem, was getting here so late.
Finding our amazing seats one section away from the UGA band, corner end zone, lower level, 20 rows from the sideline. And finding it half-full of Georgia fans.
Screaming "First Down, Georgia!!!" 14 times right into the faces of the middle-aged ASU semifans in the row in front of us during the 2nd quarter, when we scored 21 points.
Igonring the old people behind us telling us to sit down.
Watching the ASU fans empty the stadium... AT HALFTIME. So incredibly lame. Lame! Who does that? Who leaves the fucking HOME GAME STADIUM at halftime?!? Why even bother showing up? That is some weak-ass Pac-10 sauce.
Running along the chain-link fence around the field during half-time to see Uga VII up close and snap a few pictures.
Listening to some 5'2" ASU fan talk trash to us after the game.
Meeting a Georgia fan and his wife at a bar, and talking to them for half an hour about everything from football to how much California and Arizona suck balls. Then ten minutes after they leave, meeting two more Georgia fans, same conversation, and then we realize that they've been looking for their friend all night and Tiffany and I were just talking to him.
The racist, ever-drinking, possibly meth-using, possibly-homosexual redneck poser that was staying a few doors down from us at the America's Best Inn.
Getting drunk-ass phone calls and texts from Alex at 7 am.
Doing the "What's that coming down the tracks?!?" cheer with a bunch of drunk Georgia fans from a second-story balconey above the downtown Tempe bar scene.
Lots more... we took a ton of pictures of just about anything. The desert heat is fucking brutal! We drank 55 ounces of water during the game - never had to use the restroom. You could barely get drunk, the alcohol would evaporate out of your stomach! God it felt great just to talk to some real people. And whoop on the pathetic Pac-0, as they are now known. Too jealous of those going to the black out tomorrow. Go Dawgs!
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