It's Always Sunny in California

January 1^st

I made it, apparently. Leaving on the final 700-mile leg at midnight turned out to be a poor choice. The first caffeine pill wore off around 2:30 a.m., the second cup of coffee was ineffectual by 4, and even the cat couldn’t take anymore and shat on the seat at 5. Following a quick Burger King breakfast/litter box break we found ourselves in California, which turned out to be remarkable in only that we entered a new time zone. The landscape hadn’t changed since the Texas nightfall, and the blasted desert wasteland put an extra strain on my driving ability. In case you’re interested, someone put a George S. Patton Museum out there in that boring stretch of dust. Adding to the fun, with less than sixty miles to go, my engine light woke up and started staring me down. Oh good, I thought, my car is going to explode. I literally thought that, word for word, and it was the most intelligent thing my brain produced in ten hours. Turned out that letting the car sit for a few calmed it down, but I’m still getting everything checked over soon.

I settled into the apartment at 11 a.m. on the 30^th. I can’t remember what I did for the next six hours. I must have brought my stuff in, because I’m looking at it now. I think I went to the grocery store. It’s not important; what is important is my trying to find a sports bar at 5 p.m. (8 p.m. Eastern) after staying awake for 33 hours. Needless to say I could barely keep my limbs from shaking, let alone drive around and actively look for a place with televisions visible from the street. I settled on Applebee’s as it was a) kickoff and b) the only thing I could find. I had three beers and some nachos, watched the first half (which went miserably for UGA), talked with the two bartenders who are both interested in becoming teachers (History and Biology, respectively). They were nice enough and really the only people I’ve talked to in Riverside, so I’ll probably go back in a day or two. And then I left to find my way back to the apartment, which has no television or internet, and pass out. Now any of you who watched the UGA/Va. Tech game (the whole game) know why that last fact is relevant. UGA turned a 21-6 deficit into a 31-24 victory in an absolutely amazing second half. At least what I’ve been told and I’ll get to that in a minute. I spent a few minutes on the phone with my Mom so that she could actually give me a play-by-play of the touchdown and two-point conversion. I’m kicking myself for leaving the bar, but honestly my head was so far down on the bar that I was breathing in tortilla chips. Georgia Tech played today and I have no idea what happened but I bet they lost. I bet Reggie Ball ran out on the field in someone else’s uniform and totally screwed up, like wicked bad, like I bet he was trying to play defense and he actually intercepted the other team’s pass but then he ran into the wrong end zone because he’s a total ass. Man he sucks.

So now it’s the first day of 2007, and I’ve managed to get a chair, a big lamp, and some shelves for clothes, some more food, and a cactus. Trying to be environmentally sound and Californian I bought a three-pack of those spiral light bulbs that use less energy. Twenty-three watts! the box cried out. 1600 lumens! Save $4,000 in a year! Now I don’t know what a lumen is, but I do know what four thousand dollars is, and shit, I bet I need at least 500 lumens, so I’d be stupid not to buy these! For the record, a lumen is the brightness of one candle. 1600 candles, apparently, is equal in brightness to the sun as seen through a magnifying glass. I’ve got all three of these portable novas pointed at the corner of the living room like they’re all in time out, and even then the other side of the bedroom wall is glowing.

I still don’t have internet or cable, so I’ve been relying on the occasional Map Quest relay from the parents for directions to certain areas, or simply just finding out that certain areas exist. In addition, I do not have hot water. This will all change tomorrow at 9 a.m., when I’ll be waiting outside the office with a grim Clint Eastwood glare and hand-rolled cigarette which I’m smoking without my using my hands.

Later on I’ll write more about my impressions of these strange people called Californians. For instance, they have a completely different idea of personal space than we do in the South. I bent over to tie my shoe while waiting in line and I swear this woman behind me almost tried to run me over when the line moved forward a space. The line isn’t going to move any faster if everyone forms a conga line, but apparently that’s the norm around here. Next time I’m waiting in line I’m bringing maracas.

Also, I have the internet. All of it.