Well, I got hired. Tuesday morning Fontana Unified School District gave me a ring a ling ding doo and I accepted before they got past the word "offer". This is sort of validating the last 8 months of my life. No more poorness for me! It'll be nice to actually be doing something with myself too, instead of slinging chicken wings until 2 a.m. However they didn't want to hire me when I first sent my application in, back in August. They had to wait until SEVEN DAYS before the first day of class, including Labor Day. They did this because I'm basically the lowest turtle in the tower and must have been pretty desperate. Because of the short notice I will most likely miss the first few days of class - so I'll have a class, I just can't teach it. There are a multitude of reasons for this: I have to go to some new teacher seminars (tomorrow from 8a - 3p), sign some contracts, blah blah, but most importantly I have to have be tested for tuberculosis - for the second time - and be fingerprinted - electronically - for the THIRD time. Because districts cannot share ANY information, there is this insane redundancy, which is why the tower's collapsed on 9/11, I informed the unfortunate receptionist who scheduled my fingerprinting for 7:50 a.m. on Wednesday Sept. 4th, the day AFTER my class starts. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I hate California.
September first is football day. Check this out: the first games kickoff at noon ET, or 9 a.m. PT. The sports bar I work (soon to be worked) at is opening at 9 a.m. to accommodate the socially inept such as myself. Now here's the great/sad part: Hawaii, a top 25 team, kicks off at midnight ET, or 9 p.m. PT. I could conceivably open and close this restaurant while watching nothing but college football. Hold it - genius idea - the place has free wireless internet! I could do a running update of my day drinking six dollar beers and eating dozens of chicken wings! I AM MIGHTY. David, recent GA transplant, has said he will watch some football with me. I don't know if he's up for the sort of quest I'm talking about, but shit, I'm actually starting to get behind this idea. I'll justify it as my last irresponsible act before becoming a teacher. Sweet.
Showing posts with label UGA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label UGA. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
NCAA
It's been a while since I've written an actual update about moi. Right now I'm soaking in the last great sporting event I'll be participating in until football starts back up in the fall. This is especially key because Tiffany isn't here to receive the awful torture of having sports being watched/talked about/referenced off-hand, which seems to cause her and many women to react as if they've been personally insulted. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
I had a job interview this past Saturday and another this morning for the two biggest school districts around me, Corona-Norco and Riverside. The Coronoa one went well, as I dazzled the two women interviewing me with my disarming smile and wit. I won't hear from that district until mid-April, but from talking with other students in the credential program as an "intern teacher" I will still be paid at or near regular teacher salary - needless to say this would finally give a reason for my existence out here, and the monetary compensation is enormous compared to my current job of testing the limits of my credit with various lenders. The Riverside interview didn't go as well, but the two districts have different interview policies: Riverside's pre-lim interview is really just to make sure I have all my paperwork, while Corona's is a little more extensive, asking a dozen or so work-related questions. Anyway I wandered into the Riverside USD building at 9 a.m. sans caffeine, which proved to be a big mistake as a my interview consisted of being asked five rapid-fire questions that at any other time were simple but in my drowsy and suddenly confused state I found perplexing. After asking a question, the interviewer was greeted with a ten second silence while I slowly repeated it to myself.
In other news, I'm sunburned on my back and face. One class is completed and the second class will be over after a final exam Monday night. Tomorrow night is a badass St. Pat's party (I know the holiday is on Saturday, but we're Irish here and don't mind spreading the cheer across multiple days/weeks). Also, why the hell is CBS showing UCLA/Weber State when Duke is doing its best to fully play out the tools they are by losing to Virginia Commonwealth in the first round? That's a downside of living on the West Coast, you have to put up with West Coast sports. They suck. On top of that, nobody here even cares. Oh wait, CBS just switched to the Duke/VCU game - they had to stick with the 2 seed UCLA until they were up by a comfortable 24 points - shit they just switched back! This game was over as soon as it was written in the bracket! Who the fuck cares about this game? UCLA is up by 20 with ten minutes left in the game, Weber State hasn't made 10 field goals in the game - why can't we watch something interesting? My only thought is that Duke has cried enough to the refs that they're going to go ahead and let them blow out VCU just to shut them up. Quote from UCLA game: "And that's the first points for Weber State in five-and-a-half minutes!" Why is this televised?
Also way to go UGA, stomping over another West Coast pansy league team, Fresno State, in the NIT. In the first half Fresno made one non-three point field goal and three free throw points. They made nine 3's. It was ridiculous. They refused to step inside the three point arc. UGA stopped even pretending to guard the paint, they would triple-team whoever was at the top of the key and Fresno State still thought they it would be a good idea to keep hucking up low-percentage three's all day. UCLA up by 27 with 7:40 left; Duke up by 6 with 10:00 left. Stupid CBS. Stupid West Coast not being sports oriented. Stupid Bon Jovi doing Hanes commercial.
"Don't worry, we'll get you back to Weber State and UCLA in just a second, but let's take a peek at Duke!"... "Duke doesn't have a lot of spurtability..." What does that even mean? Duke is up by 6 now, UCLA still by 27. Sorry, I'm done bitching about this.
Well I picked Texas Tech over BC. I always pick Bob Knight for no good reason. Also Michigan State is going to beat Marquette, which I do not want to happen. I have Arkansas beating USC (12 over 5) because the Pac-10 sucks, Texas beating UNC, and 6-seed Louisville going to the Final Four.
"Well this game is already wrapped up, UCLA dominating from minute one." Meanwhile, Duke's lead is down to ONE! Why the fuck are we watching this boring-ass mismatch? "UCLA's defense has really shut down Weber State." The girl's varsity softball team could shut down Weber State!
EDIT (the next day): I suck at making tourney picks.
I had a job interview this past Saturday and another this morning for the two biggest school districts around me, Corona-Norco and Riverside. The Coronoa one went well, as I dazzled the two women interviewing me with my disarming smile and wit. I won't hear from that district until mid-April, but from talking with other students in the credential program as an "intern teacher" I will still be paid at or near regular teacher salary - needless to say this would finally give a reason for my existence out here, and the monetary compensation is enormous compared to my current job of testing the limits of my credit with various lenders. The Riverside interview didn't go as well, but the two districts have different interview policies: Riverside's pre-lim interview is really just to make sure I have all my paperwork, while Corona's is a little more extensive, asking a dozen or so work-related questions. Anyway I wandered into the Riverside USD building at 9 a.m. sans caffeine, which proved to be a big mistake as a my interview consisted of being asked five rapid-fire questions that at any other time were simple but in my drowsy and suddenly confused state I found perplexing. After asking a question, the interviewer was greeted with a ten second silence while I slowly repeated it to myself.
In other news, I'm sunburned on my back and face. One class is completed and the second class will be over after a final exam Monday night. Tomorrow night is a badass St. Pat's party (I know the holiday is on Saturday, but we're Irish here and don't mind spreading the cheer across multiple days/weeks). Also, why the hell is CBS showing UCLA/Weber State when Duke is doing its best to fully play out the tools they are by losing to Virginia Commonwealth in the first round? That's a downside of living on the West Coast, you have to put up with West Coast sports. They suck. On top of that, nobody here even cares. Oh wait, CBS just switched to the Duke/VCU game - they had to stick with the 2 seed UCLA until they were up by a comfortable 24 points - shit they just switched back! This game was over as soon as it was written in the bracket! Who the fuck cares about this game? UCLA is up by 20 with ten minutes left in the game, Weber State hasn't made 10 field goals in the game - why can't we watch something interesting? My only thought is that Duke has cried enough to the refs that they're going to go ahead and let them blow out VCU just to shut them up. Quote from UCLA game: "And that's the first points for Weber State in five-and-a-half minutes!" Why is this televised?
Also way to go UGA, stomping over another West Coast pansy league team, Fresno State, in the NIT. In the first half Fresno made one non-three point field goal and three free throw points. They made nine 3's. It was ridiculous. They refused to step inside the three point arc. UGA stopped even pretending to guard the paint, they would triple-team whoever was at the top of the key and Fresno State still thought they it would be a good idea to keep hucking up low-percentage three's all day. UCLA up by 27 with 7:40 left; Duke up by 6 with 10:00 left. Stupid CBS. Stupid West Coast not being sports oriented. Stupid Bon Jovi doing Hanes commercial.
"Don't worry, we'll get you back to Weber State and UCLA in just a second, but let's take a peek at Duke!"... "Duke doesn't have a lot of spurtability..." What does that even mean? Duke is up by 6 now, UCLA still by 27. Sorry, I'm done bitching about this.
Well I picked Texas Tech over BC. I always pick Bob Knight for no good reason. Also Michigan State is going to beat Marquette, which I do not want to happen. I have Arkansas beating USC (12 over 5) because the Pac-10 sucks, Texas beating UNC, and 6-seed Louisville going to the Final Four.
"Well this game is already wrapped up, UCLA dominating from minute one." Meanwhile, Duke's lead is down to ONE! Why the fuck are we watching this boring-ass mismatch? "UCLA's defense has really shut down Weber State." The girl's varsity softball team could shut down Weber State!
EDIT (the next day): I suck at making tourney picks.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Vaguely Related Paragraphs
Our T.A. brought up an interesting point in class today: American culture is focused on youth. He told us that nowhere else in the world is there such an obsession on young people. In fact, most of the world reveres older people instead, respecting their wisdom. Think about the rash of teeny-bopper stars (Lolitas like Spears and Aguilera to mere boys like Hanson) less than a decade ago. That in itself isn't so unusual, as their has been plenty of young musical acts in past decades. But moving past that, a lot of advertising is now aimed at teenagers and children because companies know that its these young people, not their working parents, who control the money. Perhaps people here look towards youth as a celebration of potential and care-free worry? Idealized youth represents freedom from the crap this nation is wading through.
I picked up a book to kill before class today, Salman Rushdie's Fury. Early in the first chapter the author makes a note about the difference between the Christian and Muslim moral universes. He writes that Christians have sin and redemption, while Muslims have shame and honor as their moral poles. This simple insight reveals a lot about a world I know a little about, and explains why Western philosophy is so far removed from the streets and cities of the Arab world. The two moral compasses have almost no overlap, especially since each has developed independently for hundreds of years. A situation: your daughter is raped. In Western philosophy, the one at fault is the rapist, he is evil, he is wrong, he is a sinner, he is punished. In many Islamic countries, the daughter is the one at fault. She has brought shame on her family and is punished, usually with death or mutilation. The rapist often receives punishment, but nowhere near as severe as the punishment the daughter receives, and it is not unheard of for the rapist to go free.
I just finished The Brothers Karamazov, a Russian novel about four brothers and the murder of their father, but primarily serves as a vehicle for Dosotoevsky's philosophies concerning good and evil in man through the influence of Christian religion. One of the brothers is an intellectual who renounces and mocks those who fall in line behind the church, and actually Dostoevsky provides through him some very compelling arguments against the existence of God. The next book I started reading is Nietzscshe's Thus Spoke Zarthustra, his most famous work. On page 3 of the novel the protagonist speaks one of the most well-known sentences associated with Nietzsche: "God is dead". Karamazov was published in 1880, and Zarathustra in 1883-1885.
It is doubtful that these two authors had any connection with each other, but it's even more important to realize that while the current generation always thinks it is on the cutting edge, every generation previous has thought the same. Just these two works provide enough philosophical weight to give that 140-year-old generation a lotta clout.
I don't really know what that last sentence means, but the takeaway here is that it may be a bit premature to put faith in the upcoming generation (we're Generation Y, apparently includes those born 1978 to 1998. Some call us Millennials). Instead we should focus on the problems we're facing right now, not hoping that a group of young up-and-coming people will bring solutions to light. Are these paragraphs related? Barely.
I picked up a book to kill before class today, Salman Rushdie's Fury. Early in the first chapter the author makes a note about the difference between the Christian and Muslim moral universes. He writes that Christians have sin and redemption, while Muslims have shame and honor as their moral poles. This simple insight reveals a lot about a world I know a little about, and explains why Western philosophy is so far removed from the streets and cities of the Arab world. The two moral compasses have almost no overlap, especially since each has developed independently for hundreds of years. A situation: your daughter is raped. In Western philosophy, the one at fault is the rapist, he is evil, he is wrong, he is a sinner, he is punished. In many Islamic countries, the daughter is the one at fault. She has brought shame on her family and is punished, usually with death or mutilation. The rapist often receives punishment, but nowhere near as severe as the punishment the daughter receives, and it is not unheard of for the rapist to go free.
I just finished The Brothers Karamazov, a Russian novel about four brothers and the murder of their father, but primarily serves as a vehicle for Dosotoevsky's philosophies concerning good and evil in man through the influence of Christian religion. One of the brothers is an intellectual who renounces and mocks those who fall in line behind the church, and actually Dostoevsky provides through him some very compelling arguments against the existence of God. The next book I started reading is Nietzscshe's Thus Spoke Zarthustra, his most famous work. On page 3 of the novel the protagonist speaks one of the most well-known sentences associated with Nietzsche: "God is dead". Karamazov was published in 1880, and Zarathustra in 1883-1885.
It is doubtful that these two authors had any connection with each other, but it's even more important to realize that while the current generation always thinks it is on the cutting edge, every generation previous has thought the same. Just these two works provide enough philosophical weight to give that 140-year-old generation a lotta clout.
I don't really know what that last sentence means, but the takeaway here is that it may be a bit premature to put faith in the upcoming generation (we're Generation Y, apparently includes those born 1978 to 1998. Some call us Millennials). Instead we should focus on the problems we're facing right now, not hoping that a group of young up-and-coming people will bring solutions to light. Are these paragraphs related? Barely.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Bureaucrats for Jesus
I just cannot get over how much bureaucracy has infiltrated the world. Everyone now is almost fanatically concerned with political correctness, having filled out the right forms, have you been approved by this department, have you filled out this application... it goes on and on and on. What is really aggravating is the redundancy of it all. I feel like the bureaucracy exists solely for creating more jobs for the bureaucracy. Take for example becoming a teacher (wow! who could've known that's where I was going?!?). I have to take a certain regimen of classes, pass certain tests, teach a certain and specific curriculum, and submit my fingerprints to the state government for a background check. Pretty simple, yeah?
Well the background check, submitted on January 4th, is still being processed. I have, sitting in a folder right next to me, a statement from the state of Georgia that I am not a criminal, on both the state and federal levels. Can I use that here? No. That is stupid. Bureaucracy 1, Logic 0.
I have to pass two tests: a subject proficiency exam (CSET) and a basic skills exam (CBEST). Now, I have to take the CSET because my major (Food Science) does not match up well enough with any of the pre-set teaching credentials (Biology, etc.), so I have to prove my competence by taking three exams. Fair enough, point for Logic.
The CBEST is a 100 multiple-choice, two essay exam which, judging from the content, exists to ascertain whether or not I am autistic. It could have also been a test of paitence, as by the 45th time I was asked "What decimal does 3/5th represent? (actual question!)" I could have easily gotten up and started shouting. Are they serious? I have a fucking degree from a major university! I graduated high school! I graduated fourth grade and that is literally the skill level of this test!! Here is the most difficult math question, verbatim: 2x-7=13, what is x? And that was the only algebra problem. One of the essay questions: What is the best advice you have ever received? EVER?? HMM WELL ONE TIME I SAW A SIGN THAT SAID "PANTS FIRST THEN SHOES" AND THAT HAS WORKED WELL FOR ME YEP YEP TIME TO GO LEARN ABOUT FIRE SAFETY!! That Far Side cartoon is actually what I gave as the best advice ever. That is stupid. Bureaucracy 2, Logic 1.
I have to take some classes. 8 classes plus a teaching job for just the credential. I took one education class at UGA, a seminar-type thing where I basically taught a group of fifth graders twice a week for a semester, as part of Project FOCUS. At Kennesaw State I took two education classes, the basic and generalized introduction to education courses. Kennesaw and UGA operate on the semester unit, UC Riverside on the quarter system. A quarter is 10 weeks long; a semester is about 14 weeks long. Quarter classes (at least mine) meet once a week; semester classes meet three times a week. You cover more material in a semester. There is more homework. There is more learned. Is this true for all classes? For the purpose of this essay, yes. I've recieved credit for two courses here at UCR. I should recieve credit for three. Because of the nature of the quarter system, some major learning objectives are divided into two classes. What I have covered in one course at Kennesaw, is covered in two courses here. I cannot receive credit for the same transfer course twice. Stupid. Bureaucracy 3, Logic 1.
Finally, because of various laws (the stupidity of which I'll discuss later), what educators are allowed to teach is very strictly controlled. Teachers are required to follow a very specific outline. This outline includes an exact breakdown of what will be covered in the end-of-year test, including the number of questions per section (5 questions about trees, 2 questions about the oceans, etc.). The entire lesson plan is structured to teach to the test. Schools in California have actually been exposed as spending half the day teaching English and the other half Math - the two subjects currently tested and monitored by No Child Left Behind. Do you remember learning about the Chinese New Year, painting a pot you built and fired in a kiln, or recess? Not allowed anymore. This is stupid. Bureaucracy 4, Logic 1.
Basically, I'm frustrated that I can't just get out there and start teaching. I'm tired of constantly proving that I am capable, jumping through hoop after hoop, chasing down people all over the country for recommendations or getting signatures for countless forms. It is stupid. People are stupid. The bureaucracy of our everyday life is stupid, because it is not just teachers. It's everyone and everything. I don't even know whose approval we're seeking - some faceless government department? Just give me a job, a boss, and a paycheck.
Well the background check, submitted on January 4th, is still being processed. I have, sitting in a folder right next to me, a statement from the state of Georgia that I am not a criminal, on both the state and federal levels. Can I use that here? No. That is stupid. Bureaucracy 1, Logic 0.
I have to pass two tests: a subject proficiency exam (CSET) and a basic skills exam (CBEST). Now, I have to take the CSET because my major (Food Science) does not match up well enough with any of the pre-set teaching credentials (Biology, etc.), so I have to prove my competence by taking three exams. Fair enough, point for Logic.
The CBEST is a 100 multiple-choice, two essay exam which, judging from the content, exists to ascertain whether or not I am autistic. It could have also been a test of paitence, as by the 45th time I was asked "What decimal does 3/5th represent? (actual question!)" I could have easily gotten up and started shouting. Are they serious? I have a fucking degree from a major university! I graduated high school! I graduated fourth grade and that is literally the skill level of this test!! Here is the most difficult math question, verbatim: 2x-7=13, what is x? And that was the only algebra problem. One of the essay questions: What is the best advice you have ever received? EVER?? HMM WELL ONE TIME I SAW A SIGN THAT SAID "PANTS FIRST THEN SHOES" AND THAT HAS WORKED WELL FOR ME YEP YEP TIME TO GO LEARN ABOUT FIRE SAFETY!! That Far Side cartoon is actually what I gave as the best advice ever. That is stupid. Bureaucracy 2, Logic 1.
I have to take some classes. 8 classes plus a teaching job for just the credential. I took one education class at UGA, a seminar-type thing where I basically taught a group of fifth graders twice a week for a semester, as part of Project FOCUS. At Kennesaw State I took two education classes, the basic and generalized introduction to education courses. Kennesaw and UGA operate on the semester unit, UC Riverside on the quarter system. A quarter is 10 weeks long; a semester is about 14 weeks long. Quarter classes (at least mine) meet once a week; semester classes meet three times a week. You cover more material in a semester. There is more homework. There is more learned. Is this true for all classes? For the purpose of this essay, yes. I've recieved credit for two courses here at UCR. I should recieve credit for three. Because of the nature of the quarter system, some major learning objectives are divided into two classes. What I have covered in one course at Kennesaw, is covered in two courses here. I cannot receive credit for the same transfer course twice. Stupid. Bureaucracy 3, Logic 1.
Finally, because of various laws (the stupidity of which I'll discuss later), what educators are allowed to teach is very strictly controlled. Teachers are required to follow a very specific outline. This outline includes an exact breakdown of what will be covered in the end-of-year test, including the number of questions per section (5 questions about trees, 2 questions about the oceans, etc.). The entire lesson plan is structured to teach to the test. Schools in California have actually been exposed as spending half the day teaching English and the other half Math - the two subjects currently tested and monitored by No Child Left Behind. Do you remember learning about the Chinese New Year, painting a pot you built and fired in a kiln, or recess? Not allowed anymore. This is stupid. Bureaucracy 4, Logic 1.
Basically, I'm frustrated that I can't just get out there and start teaching. I'm tired of constantly proving that I am capable, jumping through hoop after hoop, chasing down people all over the country for recommendations or getting signatures for countless forms. It is stupid. People are stupid. The bureaucracy of our everyday life is stupid, because it is not just teachers. It's everyone and everything. I don't even know whose approval we're seeking - some faceless government department? Just give me a job, a boss, and a paycheck.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
On the Nature of Pork Beasts
After a half-hearted hour of essay writing in the downtown coffee shop, I moseyed across the street to the sports bar, looking at catch the UGA-Kentucky game. Unfortunately, someone at DirectTV has their priorities backasswards and for some unexplainable reason that game wasn't available in the California area. But I had already ordered some chicken wings and a beer, so I settled for watching UNC beat the tar out of Wake Forest.
About halfway through my meal, I hear the door open and the shuffling of feet. This in itself is not odd, but what puzzled me is that even though I was sitting at the bar very near the entrance, none of the afternoon sunlight struck through into the restaurant. I turned my head to the side. I started. I did a double-take. There were two enormous mountains of flesh oozing through the portal. Each of these creatures literally encompassed the entire door, filling it out to from top to bottom, from side to side. One about 6'5", the other a few inches shorter. Each one weighed in at 300 easy, and were probably closer to 400. Let me state now that I am in no way exaggerating anything in this story, not even for comedy's sake - all the laughter/horror is built in to this one.
They rumbled up to the bar, and began speaking. This would prove to be the first of many times over the next 15 minutes that my brain refused to believe what my senses were telling it. They sounded exactly the same, and spoke with exactly the same tone and inflection as the fat henchman from The Venture Bros. And what did they talk about? Getting in trouble because "Mom said we could only be out for two hours and it's been almost three!!". How they shouldn't have spent so much time in "the gay Best Buy". That this place (very typical sports bar, with pool tables, Foosball, stupid beer signs, etc) "was off the chain." They actually asked me if the place gets off the chain. I responded "I don't know if this place gets off the chain." It was all I could to not run away with the remainder of my french fries and camouflage myself as a salad for protection.
What did they order? Two hundred wings? A platter of ranch dressing? Sixteen cheeseburgers with extra cheese and cheese instead of buns? No. One Shirley Temple. I shit you not. This enormous ham beast, with stupid emo black hair over his eyes, stupid emo Weezer glasses, orders a fucking Shirley Temple. I almost broke my Budweiser over his fat head but didn't for fear of his mistaking my arm for a Slim Jim.
A quick aside - I've got nothing against nerds. I like them. I'm a nerd in many ways. I can appreciate nerd humor, up to a point. These two things were uber-nerds, however. They had (d)evolved to the point of barely functioning human beings. I can imagine they spend 20 hours out of the day playing Playstation games, slobbering over Japanese anime, and stuffing Cheetos into each other's mouths. Just like with anything in life, moderation is key. Except booze. These organisms threw away their humanity and became Pork Beasts. Ahem, back to the story.
Why were they here? A sports bar is one of the last places you'd find 17-year old nerdsacks. They were here asking about tickets to distribute for their band. This shit just keeps getting better. Apparently the are entered into a battle of the bands, which I WILL NOT MISS FOR ANYTHING. What the hell would they play? Can they even get on the stage? I mean, the other creature, the 6'5" hunch-backed drooling mountain of meat, looked like he had an extra chromosome or two floating around. Would they get on stage and just make various farting noises by flapping their now-vestigial appendages around? My money is on them putting together some sort of keyboard/computer synthesizer deal and playing video game theme songs. Their band name, if I heard correctly (at this point I was pretty much in shock) is Forever King Kong. Their combined creative force is only matched by their combined masses.
After a few minutes of complaining, saying how sweet the bar is, and deciding which one of them should talk to the waitress ("No dude she was hitting on you, you talk to her." "Hey you're the one that wanted to talk to her, you go do it.") , the manager in charge of the battle of the bands appears and they literally waddle over to a table and proceed to take up more physical space than my car. I continued watching the basketball game, stunned mostly by the fact that these things actually existed. They left before I did - didn't want to make Mom any more upset - and on the way out the emo/pork/creature took a parting swig of his Shirley Temple, ambled out the door, stopped, returned to the bar, and sucked down the rest of his pink drink. "Had to get the last of it" he wheezed at me, and rolled out onto the street.
I must attend the battle of the bands. I must know more about these two former humans. It's like I've discovered a living dinosaur and instead of having plates on its back or spines on its tail, it is filled with Crisco.
Also, UGA rallied from 13 down at the half to defeat #25 Kentucky 78-69 in overtime. I AM THE KING OF THE LAND, BRING ME YOUR FINEST MEATS AND CHEESES.
About halfway through my meal, I hear the door open and the shuffling of feet. This in itself is not odd, but what puzzled me is that even though I was sitting at the bar very near the entrance, none of the afternoon sunlight struck through into the restaurant. I turned my head to the side. I started. I did a double-take. There were two enormous mountains of flesh oozing through the portal. Each of these creatures literally encompassed the entire door, filling it out to from top to bottom, from side to side. One about 6'5", the other a few inches shorter. Each one weighed in at 300 easy, and were probably closer to 400. Let me state now that I am in no way exaggerating anything in this story, not even for comedy's sake - all the laughter/horror is built in to this one.
They rumbled up to the bar, and began speaking. This would prove to be the first of many times over the next 15 minutes that my brain refused to believe what my senses were telling it. They sounded exactly the same, and spoke with exactly the same tone and inflection as the fat henchman from The Venture Bros. And what did they talk about? Getting in trouble because "Mom said we could only be out for two hours and it's been almost three!!". How they shouldn't have spent so much time in "the gay Best Buy". That this place (very typical sports bar, with pool tables, Foosball, stupid beer signs, etc) "was off the chain." They actually asked me if the place gets off the chain. I responded "I don't know if this place gets off the chain." It was all I could to not run away with the remainder of my french fries and camouflage myself as a salad for protection.
What did they order? Two hundred wings? A platter of ranch dressing? Sixteen cheeseburgers with extra cheese and cheese instead of buns? No. One Shirley Temple. I shit you not. This enormous ham beast, with stupid emo black hair over his eyes, stupid emo Weezer glasses, orders a fucking Shirley Temple. I almost broke my Budweiser over his fat head but didn't for fear of his mistaking my arm for a Slim Jim.
A quick aside - I've got nothing against nerds. I like them. I'm a nerd in many ways. I can appreciate nerd humor, up to a point. These two things were uber-nerds, however. They had (d)evolved to the point of barely functioning human beings. I can imagine they spend 20 hours out of the day playing Playstation games, slobbering over Japanese anime, and stuffing Cheetos into each other's mouths. Just like with anything in life, moderation is key. Except booze. These organisms threw away their humanity and became Pork Beasts. Ahem, back to the story.
Why were they here? A sports bar is one of the last places you'd find 17-year old nerdsacks. They were here asking about tickets to distribute for their band. This shit just keeps getting better. Apparently the are entered into a battle of the bands, which I WILL NOT MISS FOR ANYTHING. What the hell would they play? Can they even get on the stage? I mean, the other creature, the 6'5" hunch-backed drooling mountain of meat, looked like he had an extra chromosome or two floating around. Would they get on stage and just make various farting noises by flapping their now-vestigial appendages around? My money is on them putting together some sort of keyboard/computer synthesizer deal and playing video game theme songs. Their band name, if I heard correctly (at this point I was pretty much in shock) is Forever King Kong. Their combined creative force is only matched by their combined masses.
After a few minutes of complaining, saying how sweet the bar is, and deciding which one of them should talk to the waitress ("No dude she was hitting on you, you talk to her." "Hey you're the one that wanted to talk to her, you go do it.") , the manager in charge of the battle of the bands appears and they literally waddle over to a table and proceed to take up more physical space than my car. I continued watching the basketball game, stunned mostly by the fact that these things actually existed. They left before I did - didn't want to make Mom any more upset - and on the way out the emo/pork/creature took a parting swig of his Shirley Temple, ambled out the door, stopped, returned to the bar, and sucked down the rest of his pink drink. "Had to get the last of it" he wheezed at me, and rolled out onto the street.
I must attend the battle of the bands. I must know more about these two former humans. It's like I've discovered a living dinosaur and instead of having plates on its back or spines on its tail, it is filled with Crisco.
Also, UGA rallied from 13 down at the half to defeat #25 Kentucky 78-69 in overtime. I AM THE KING OF THE LAND, BRING ME YOUR FINEST MEATS AND CHEESES.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
It's Always Sunny in California
January 1st
I settled into the apartment at 11 a.m. on the 30th. I can’t remember what I did for the next six hours. I must have brought my stuff in, because I’m looking at it now. I think I went to the grocery store. It’s not important; what is important is my trying to find a sports bar at 5 p.m. (8 p.m. Eastern) after staying awake for 33 hours. Needless to say I could barely keep my limbs from shaking, let alone drive around and actively look for a place with televisions visible from the street. I settled on Applebee’s as it was a) kickoff and b) the only thing I could find. I had three beers and some nachos, watched the first half (which went miserably for UGA), talked with the two bartenders who are both interested in becoming teachers (History and Biology, respectively). They were nice enough and really the only people I’ve talked to in
So now it’s the first day of 2007, and I’ve managed to get a chair, a big lamp, and some shelves for clothes, some more food, and a cactus. Trying to be environmentally sound and Californian I bought a three-pack of those spiral light bulbs that use less energy. Twenty-three watts! the box cried out. 1600 lumens! Save $4,000 in a year! Now I don’t know what a lumen is, but I do know what four thousand dollars is, and shit, I bet I need at least 500 lumens, so I’d be stupid not to buy these! For the record, a lumen is the brightness of one candle. 1600 candles, apparently, is equal in brightness to the sun as seen through a magnifying glass. I’ve got all three of these portable novas pointed at the corner of the living room like they’re all in time out, and even then the other side of the bedroom wall is glowing.
I still don’t have internet or cable, so I’ve been relying on the occasional Map Quest relay from the parents for directions to certain areas, or simply just finding out that certain areas exist. In addition, I do not have hot water. This will all change tomorrow at 9 a.m., when I’ll be waiting outside the office with a grim Clint Eastwood glare and hand-rolled cigarette which I’m smoking without my using my hands.
Later on I’ll write more about my impressions of these strange people called Californians. For instance, they have a completely different idea of personal space than we do in the South. I bent over to tie my shoe while waiting in line and I swear this woman behind me almost tried to run me over when the line moved forward a space. The line isn’t going to move any faster if everyone forms a conga line, but apparently that’s the norm around here. Next time I’m waiting in line I’m bringing maracas.Also, I have the internet. All of it.
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